Monday, February 21

My lack of faith

I've really been debating about posting this, but then I realized my husband never reads my blogs- so here goes.  

The week after our social worker came to our house for the home study, I was so excited again about this adoption. She said so many positive things that I couldn't stop myself from working on our baby registries. Then, I got an email from our adoption agency asking us some questions about our debt to income ratio. In order for our home study to be approved by the judge, they wanted us to increase our life insurance 10 fold. I was disappointed to put it mildly. I also think that things were going so smoothly that I was waiting for something like this to happen. 

Now, don't get me wrong. Jeremy and I are in a MUCH better place financially than we have ever been, even though he's still not making anything like he used to or deserves to make- due to the economy. So I was very discouraged that BCS didn't see that. Also, our debt is either average or even a bit lower than most people. However, the only difference is while most people have a mortgage, we have student loans. When we brought that point up to BCS, they explained that a mortgage was considered an asset not a liability. I understand, but it doesn't seem fair, b/c to us, our student loans ARE an asset. Without them, we both wouldn't have the jobs that we do or will have in the future. An education is an investment-- ok I'll get off my soap box.

Anyway, so I just assumed it was over. I couldn't believe that God had led us all the way to this point, only to hit a brick wall. I didn't talk about it for days, and I spent some serious time wallowing in self pity. I was resigning myself to the inevitable- we were too poor and had too much debt to adopt. Jeremy and I had many intense discussions about this. He even told me that having a kid right now wasn't 'that big of a deal'. This comment brought on a whole new discussion.

As many of you know, Jeremy was the one who wanted kids right away. He was the reason I went off birth control after only a year of marriage. I had always wanted to wait 5 years, but because I loved him and because it was so important to him, I agreed. Also, as many of you know, it took me a LONG time to get to the point that I was excited about having a child. THEN once we find out we might not be able to adopt, Jeremy says, "Its not a big deal." I about lost it! When, over the last two years, did having a baby go from being so important to "not a big deal". MEN! I tell you. When I pressed for a reason why it was no longer a big deal, or to see if he was just saying that b/c I was so disappointed, he explained that after entertaining at our house several of our friends who have kids, he realized how different our lives would be and he was happy with the way things were now. WELL like I haven't been saying that for years, but oh well. 

Over the weekend, I started resigning myself- getting used to the idea of no kid again. I spent a lot of time in prayer and 'meditation' (just thinking about it- not really talking much). I tried to avoid the phone calls and questions from family and friends about it. Somehow, even though I had asked Jeremy to talk to his mother, he didn't, and she called me Monday at work wanting to share all of the baby stuff she had bought over the weekend. Normally, I would have been excited, but my heart was breaking. 

I didn't get around to calling our insurance agency until Tuesday, only to find out that the large life insurance policy BCS was asking us to get was only $20 a month. I was blown away. I couldn't believe my lack of faith in God and His plans.  I knew He has been leading us every step of the way so far, so why did I initially jump to the worst conclusion ever? Why couldn't I have been like, ok God, handle this problem, b/c I know this is your will for our life? I felt awful. 

On top of my guilt at the lack of faith I had in God, I also had to figure out where Jeremy was on all of this now that the adoption was still possible. I asked a few times and didn't really get an answer. Finally during lunch one day I just had to practically drag information out of Jeremy about this. He still wants to wait. WAIT- that is so the story of his life. Welll, let's just wait and see what happens. Welll, let's just wait until this. Well, lets just wait wait wait wait wait wait...........

As you can see, I still have some issues to work out with God about my lack of faith. Sigh, I knew this adoption was going to be more of a roller coaster ride than a journey. Please continue to pray for Jeremy and I. 

Monday, February 14

My Love

Thursday, February 10

Health/New Years resolution update

Between getting ready for the home study and volunteering for a local charity, I have not been doing so well on my 'eating healthy and exercising diet'. When I weighed in last night at Fit for Christ, I had gained. I tried to convince myself it was the salt in the pizza I had eaten earlier that day. However, I knew that I had not been eating like I should or even exercising at ALL! Luckily, the bible studies I've been doing have been talking about praying for and actually expecting an answer about specific prayer requests. Mine is that I will become motivated to work out. Eating healthy really isn't a problem for me, but getting myself back into a gym IS!! This week, I remembered how much I missed running on the elliptical. Since I don't have one at home, I'm looking forward to using one at the gym! I'm also going to track my inches as I begin exercising, and see if I can't tone up some! This morning I did my first workout in over a week! It was actually a video I had bought years ago and didn't realize how much I enjoyed it!  

So much has happened!

I'm very excited to update today because so many positive things have been going on. Our week started off with our home study. She was very pleased with our house and we met all the requirements. She then spent hours asking Jeremy and I individually about who we were, our childhood, and our families. We'll meet with her in two weeks to review our home study. She also offered to look over our profile at that time as well. I can't believe we're almost to the end of the process. I'm trying very hard to prepare myself for more waiting time. I know that is a possibility, or more of a guarantee, but I can't help but get excited!! 
Awhile back I started a registry at Babies R Us, but I recently found a website I liked even better, so I started a registry on it- All Modern Baby. I finally picked out a car seat, with the help of my friend who is a three time experienced mom. 

This is the Combi Shuttle 33. 

I also started a registry at Target, simply because, a- the bedding I picked out is there, and b- I live in a town where we don't have a Babies R Us, and many people aren't going to order something off an online registry. Sad, I know. I also started reading Dr. Sears' The Baby Book again. 

I had stopped because I was discouraged, and our social worker instilled hope and excitement in me again. Luckily, I was at the part of bottle feeding and formula, something I had just started stressing about! There are so many different kinds of bottles and formula!! Since my husband is very laid back and isn't into research much, I knew it would be up to me to figure out what is best for our child. Now, I can just rely on Dr. Sears to tell me what's best. BIG sigh of relief!! 

It still blows my mind that there are friends and even family of ours out there that have no idea we're adopting. I thought by now everyone would have heard from someone or read about it on my Facebook. I got a text from Jeremy's sister in South Carolina the other day about how she didn't know we were adopting. I started to remind her of the time a few months ago we called her and asked her for all her family info for our home study packet. Sigh, I guess since I think about this every day, I expect others too as well. However, everyone we talk to is very excited for us. We had so many wonderful friends thinking of and praying for us during our home study. Jeremy and I could tell, because it went so smooth!! I can't wait for our next step on this journey!!

Saturday, February 5

The things people say

Jeremy and I have been busy preparing for our home study. We met with the social worker this week at Panera and we both felt like it went great! She was really reassuring and positive in everything she said. She seemed to think that since we are willing to have an open and trans-racial adoption, it could possibly be a short wait time. I really needed to hear this. Lately, I have been reading various adoption blogs and it seems like these wonderful waiting families just experience one disappointment after another. 
So, this meeting helped me get excited once again about our future little one. We put the crib together and have plans to pick up a borrowed mattress tomorrow. I've had fun conversations with both my mom and my mother in law about all the necessary items they'll need for when we visit. I spent hours online browsing for the best bottles, formula, and diapers to use. Tonight after dinner, I stopped in Toys R Us to check out their baby aisle, and bought some baby socks. I tried to get Jeremy interested and excited like I was, but he seems to be thinking like everyone else I talk to. Its very unfair to me, that a pregnant mother has 10 months to plan for and get excited about her child and I don't have a start date or an end date. I just have God's timing. Nothing hurt me worse than when I asked one of my friends, who had came  over for dinner, if he wanted to see the crib Jeremy and I had put together and he said, "You have a crib?! Already? Aren't you getting ahead of yourself?" How can people think like this? Jeremy and I have been trying to add a child to our family for years. What is wrong with me getting excited about and planning for this child, even if it is through adoption? It really hurts.