Thursday, August 5

First Post

Last night I was frustrated about something, yet when I tried to talk to Jeremy about it, he didn't respond the way I wanted him to. I expect him to know what's in my head and respond in kind. That's what brought me to the idea of FINALLY starting my blog. In a way I want to share thoughts on here, but in a way I don't. I like to write when I have the time, but I also reveal too much. I'm a very open person, and usually people don't understand that.

Let me start by sharing what's going on in my life.

Jeremy and I just celebrated our third anniversary. That means we've lived in Florida for three years as well. My first year and a half down here I hated it. This is NOTHING like living outside of a large city such as Atlanta that has so much to offer. But over time, God changed my focus from what Florida didn't offer, to what it does. Jeremy and I have the best church home. We now both love our jobs (for the most part). We have SO many friends that we LOVE hanging out with. There's not enough time in the week to see all of them. God taught us so much during Jeremy's time of unemployment. It was actually one of the best times in our lives. We both loved Jeremy being at home and realized we would like for him to be able to work part time when we have kids. We love where we live our landlord and our neighbors. Yes we pay too much in rent, esp since Jeremy's change in jobs, but we're happy here so we choose to sacrifice in other areas.

Recently, events in my life have made me realize how much I miss having a daily quiet time with God. I have found the study I want to do; I just have to go buy it. It's called A Woman's Guide to True Contentment". Contentment is something that I am just not starting to enjoy. I have always, for as long as I can remember, been unhappy. Sometimes it would be an overall unhappiness. Sometimes it would focus on a certain thing or person or event. Sometimes I couldn't even explain why I was unhappy. I really had resigned myself to being unhappy the rest of my life, with no peace in my future. It did make me thankful for Jeremy, who loved me through all of this, but I also felt guilty, b/c he deserved so much more than I was giving him. Also, I worried that when I had kids my attitude would be a negative influence on them. I dreaded raising a child.
As many of you know, I have GI/stomach issues. One of the doctors decided to put me on a serotonin reuptake inhibitor to soothe my stomach by increasing its levels of serotonin. This medication is usually used to treat depression, but as my doctor explained, there are more serotonin receptors in your stomach than in your brain. It has helped my health issues, but more importantly, I LOVE the emotional benefits I get from it. I never would have thought how much this would change my outlook and reaction to everyday life. I am nowhere near as uptight as I used to be. I am... content. Thanks to a very small dose of medication to help my health, I am now at peace for the first time in 27 years. Occasionally I wonder if people will judge me for this just because of the negative connotation people on anti-depression medication get, but you know, I like who I am so much more now so I don't really care. I like how I respond to stress, I like how I don't take my stress out on those nearest and dearest to me anymore. I like how I don't have to be perfect. I am a better person and wife because of this. For once I feel like I could actually be a good mom; raise a child right. Many would disagree with that statement saying I would have been an awesome mom even before, but now I believe this is true as well. I think that may be the main reason why I am FINALLY ready to have a baby. I've gone back and forth over the past two years as Jeremy and I would discuss it, but now I truly am ready for this next step in my life.

Whew! that's a lot for a first post. Bottom line- I am so blessed, which I've always known that, but now I can feel it and enjoy it.

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