My lack of faith

I've really been debating about posting this, but then I realized my husband never reads my blogs- so here goes.  


The week after our social worker came to our house for the home study, I was so excited again about this adoption. She said so many positive things that I couldn't stop myself from working on our baby registries. Then, I got an email from our adoption agency asking us some questions about our debt to income ratio. In order for our home study to be approved by the judge, they wanted us to increase our life insurance 10 fold. I was disappointed to put it mildly. I also think that things were going so smoothly that I was waiting for something like this to happen. 


Now, don't get me wrong. Jeremy and I are in a MUCH better place financially than we have ever been, even though he's still not making anything like he used to or deserves to make- due to the economy. So I was very discouraged that BCS didn't see that. Also, our debt is either average or even a bit lower than most people. However, the only difference is while most people have a mortgage, we have student loans. When we brought that point up to BCS, they explained that a mortgage was considered an asset not a liability. I understand, but it doesn't seem fair, b/c to us, our student loans ARE an asset. Without them, we both wouldn't have the jobs that we do or will have in the future. An education is an investment-- ok I'll get off my soap box.


Anyway, so I just assumed it was over. I couldn't believe that God had led us all the way to this point, only to hit a brick wall. I didn't talk about it for days, and I spent some serious time wallowing in self pity. I was resigning myself to the inevitable- we were too poor and had too much debt to adopt. Jeremy and I had many intense discussions about this. He even told me that having a kid right now wasn't 'that big of a deal'. This comment brought on a whole new discussion.


As many of you know, Jeremy was the one who wanted kids right away. He was the reason I went off birth control after only a year of marriage. I had always wanted to wait 5 years, but because I loved him and because it was so important to him, I agreed. Also, as many of you know, it took me a LONG time to get to the point that I was excited about having a child. THEN once we find out we might not be able to adopt, Jeremy says, "Its not a big deal." I about lost it! When, over the last two years, did having a baby go from being so important to "not a big deal". MEN! I tell you. When I pressed for a reason why it was no longer a big deal, or to see if he was just saying that b/c I was so disappointed, he explained that after entertaining at our house several of our friends who have kids, he realized how different our lives would be and he was happy with the way things were now. WELL like I haven't been saying that for years, but oh well. 


Over the weekend, I started resigning myself- getting used to the idea of no kid again. I spent a lot of time in prayer and 'meditation' (just thinking about it- not really talking much). I tried to avoid the phone calls and questions from family and friends about it. Somehow, even though I had asked Jeremy to talk to his mother, he didn't, and she called me Monday at work wanting to share all of the baby stuff she had bought over the weekend. Normally, I would have been excited, but my heart was breaking. 


I didn't get around to calling our insurance agency until Tuesday, only to find out that the large life insurance policy BCS was asking us to get was only $20 a month. I was blown away. I couldn't believe my lack of faith in God and His plans.  I knew He has been leading us every step of the way so far, so why did I initially jump to the worst conclusion ever? Why couldn't I have been like, ok God, handle this problem, b/c I know this is your will for our life? I felt awful. 


On top of my guilt at the lack of faith I had in God, I also had to figure out where Jeremy was on all of this now that the adoption was still possible. I asked a few times and didn't really get an answer. Finally during lunch one day I just had to practically drag information out of Jeremy about this. He still wants to wait. WAIT- that is so the story of his life. Welll, let's just wait and see what happens. Welll, let's just wait until this. Well, lets just wait wait wait wait wait wait...........


As you can see, I still have some issues to work out with God about my lack of faith. Sigh, I knew this adoption was going to be more of a roller coaster ride than a journey. Please continue to pray for Jeremy and I.